Poor Schaeffer
BY GUNNER SYKES I JULY 30, 2008

Mom and dad didn't make it to the family reunion because they were in the septic tank. Aunt Lucy got all excited about them not being there and called the police. She never could keep her mouth shut and even chewed with her mouth open. She puts pimentos in her potato salad and it looks like she chews blood clots with her false teeth. Or maybe red ants or something. Pretty disgusting.

Well she shouldn't have called Melody a whore, that's all. Melody is not a whore. She just looks good. Has legs all the way up to her ass. But mom couldn't keep her mouth shut and told her about washing my underwear for God's sake, and asked her why she dressed like a whore.

Melody cried about it. That's how bad it was.

I really should mow the lawn, but to hell with it. It's hot outside and at least I don't have anyone to bitch about it anymore. I don't know if there's enough gas, anyway.

What really pisses me off is that Melody didn't seem to give a shit when I told her not to worry about mom anymore. Or dad either for all that matter. It really wasn't dad's fault, he was just standing up for mom, and I feel pretty bad about that. I guess she really is a whore, but even whores shouldn't be talked to like that.

So now the state cops are asking about mom and dad. I told the other assholes they went to Tennessee a week ago, but now they're back again and mom and dad are in the septic tank.

I wish aunt Lucy would just shut the hell up. I don't know why she reminds me of a dog, but she does. A cocker spaniel.

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